Questions hard to answer! I’m caught between it all. Going means letting go of what I’ve kept over 6 years. Staying means putting my heart on the line. Which of these is easier to do? I love him, but I’m scared that I’m only playing into his hands. Did I just say “love?” Yes, I did… I finally decided that’s what all this is about. Letting go then, was one of the most painful things my tender heart ever had to endure. Now that there’s a ray of hope, should I just hold on to it… I wonder how things are going to play out. But, can this fragile heart take one more disappointment; can I take yet another letting down, after putting all hopes in this one place? The first letting down was by me, can I ever forgive myself or even him, if he does the letting down this time?
Back then, we had something special… though we never spoke about it. It was nice being around each other… Oh, how much fun we had together! I remember the day I became an Arsenal Fan. I had just finished from a meeting and took a while leaving the meeting venue, on my way out I met him on his way in. He was hurrying down to a viewing centre to watch an Arsenal march against what team was that again? I don’t remember jor! Well, he dragged me along and we watch the match together. During the half time break, he asked me “what football team do you support?” I said none. So, he asked me to become an Arsenal fan. Don’t remember how many games we watch together thereafter… And oh, we won that game, one of the few games I’ve watched Arsenal win… J He took me out for dinner after the game and we walked hand in hand back to class… laughing and chatting in simple… (what do I call that, sef?) Back when life was simple, we just simply enjoyed each other’s company…
How did things ever get complicated? Rather than focus on being friends, we got ourselves distracted by other people’s comments, remarks and opinions… I heard somewhere yesterday that “in twenty years time, you will regret things more things you didn’t do than things you did… I wish I had done things better, really I do… But then, here I am with the opportunity to do it again, what do I do? Should I count myself lucky, that I have it to do again or should I just walk knowing it’s one of those things are not meant to be? Hmm… I sigh more often than I’ve done in many months, these days… Why am I letting this take my peace? I’m baring my heart on a paper; can I say all these to his face? I’m not sure yet, but what if he gets to read this? The thought of it alone, makes me want to cover my face with my hands. Anxiety, barely even sleep at night, with adrenaline pumping through my body round the clock. Sometimes, it feels as though the adrenaline content is more than the red blood cells; as though it has replaced them all. It’ll be easier if I can hear it directly from him. If I can hear him say it, then each time doubt rises up, I would confront it with what he says… hmm… I sigh again… I’m just wondering if going along will not be a pleasurable ride.
Letting go, on the other hand, is the best thing a girl can do to protect her fragile heart. But, the issue is an empty barn is clean, but empty barn produces no income. Babe, it is well! I have to make a decision… Many times in my life, I’ve found myself at a T-junction; at cross roads… Should I turn to the left or to the right? Should I stay at the end of the road, and wait… Waiting for what? I wonder! I’ll make a decision and stand by it… But, what would that be… Go or stay?
I will stay; I’ll enjoy the moment… living in my moments is the best thing I can do for myself… I’m in control and I’m not losing it to circumstances. I’ll go on a ride of a lifetime with him, yes, I will!
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